Dear IKEA,
Thank you for your sincere–if misguided and futile–attempts to lure me back into your lair. I really want to believe it when you say that I am a valued customer. However, I am still suffering the effects of the hallucinogenic neurotoxins that you pump into the air at your store.
Despite your continued efforts to retain my business, I would rather shove a kilogram of Swedish meatballs up my ass and then go for a horse and buggy ride around the parking lot of speed bump factory before entering any of your stores again.
Therefore, please find enclosed a gift voucher for 59 Swiss Francs. It is my ultimate wish that you use it to purchase 6 cheaply made, brightly coloured, wall mountable 18-CD storage totes and send them to the victims of hurricane Katrina.
Burn in hell you fuckers.
Sincerely,
Mike Packard